Tag Archives: Relationships

How Do You Know He/She is the One!

Seriously,

  • How do you know he/she is the One

  • with whom you can have
    • a long lasting, mutually fulfilling, and happy relationship?

Physical Attraction:  What you ‘see’ in the other person says

  • ‘Go ahead, he/she is the one!’
  • This means that their
    • looks, fashion sense,
    • body type, posture and manner of walking
      • showing self- confidence, humility, focus, …;
    • attitude and presence,
    • voice and manner of speaking, etc.,
      • will meet your individual threshold/preference
        • for physical attraction,
        • throughout the relationship.
  • Ignoring this is why I believe that
    • (the TV show)
    • ‘Married at First Sight’ does not appear to work well
      • especially without the necessary cultural history and
      • without a network of supportive and influential family dynamics
        • to support it.
  • Western Culture emphasize/glamorize this far too much
    • when there other equally
      • or more important factors
        • to consider.

Shared Core Values and Approach to Life

  • You observe that you share similar views about
  • the most basic things you believe about life:
    • God, faith, and prayers,
    • money, life and death, family,
    • friends, science, the law, culture,
  • all say ‘Go ahead, he/she is the one!’

BEHIND THE SCENES‘ Real Life Experience(s) say,

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Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com
  • ‘Yes, Go ahead, he/she is the one!’
  • ‘Behind the scenes’ experience concerning
    • earning and spending money,
    • interactions with siblings, parents, relatives,
    • co-workers, bosses, detractors and opponents,
      • (how he/she treats them is how he/she will treat you eventually);
    • leisure and entertainment activities,
    • loss, illness, heartaches, and outstanding joys,
      • all say ‘Go ahead’, he/she is the one!
  • However remember
    • people can and do change.

Sound Logic and Reasoning Confirms it!

  • Please see my last post
  • Use Your head to guard your heart
  • Your heart can guide you
    • but not against objective facts and logic.
  • Remember, you are committing yourself to
    • seek that person’s happiness without precondition
      • in the hope that they will do the same for you.
  • Warren Buffet: 
    • “Buy a stock the way you would buy a house. Understand and like it such that you’d be content to own it in the absence of any market.”
    • Me :  “Enter a long term relationship the way you would buy a house. Understand and like it such that you’d be content to own it in the absence of making any profit off it.”
  • Why have a brain if you do not use it to make important decisions in life?
  • If sound logic and reasoning say “Go ahead, he/she is the one” then
    • do it, He/She is the one.

What about ‘chemistry,’ ‘instinct,’ ‘live in the moment’ or ‘take a risk’?

  • Chemistry‘ is mutual physical attraction and a shared approach to life,
    • (see above), unfortunately,
    • will not be enough for the long haul.
  • ‘Instinct’?
    • You would not invest in the stock market solely by instinct;
      • you need additional information to inform your ‘instinct’;
      • why then would you invest your life based solely on instinct?
  • ‘Live in the moment’?
    • Only if you have only one moment to live.
  • Take a risk?’
    • Would you jump out of an airplane
      • without a parachute and/or
      • without being reasonably sure it works?

We can do this; Let’s do this!!

Note:  I apologies for the gap between the last post and this, Apologies for the gap between the last  post and this.  My excuse? Life Happened (Work, car crashes in the family, etc.).  Email me your questions at reach4himwdray@gmail.com

What Makes Long Term Relationships Work? Really!

Fulfilling, loving, mutually satisfying, meaningful, and long lasting relationships boils down to one thing:

  • both partners in the relationship, without pre-conditions and with 100% sincerity commit themselves to make the other person feel
    • safe, loved, happy, accepted,  appreciated, understood, and
    • cared for.

Be “…like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  [Apostle Paul]

To do this requires

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  • maturity,

    • (from both sides),
    • (psychological, social, and emotional);
    • children are innocent and beautiful to behold
      • but they can also be incredibly selfish, foolish, insensitive and unstable;
    • ‘man-child’ partners, and ‘baby-girl’ ‘diva’ personalities
      • find it hard to focus selflessly on others, and
      • often ruin the chances for long term happy relationships;
  • trust, and vulnerability, because

    • to love without pre-conditions is risky, and
    • to open up to real love means to open up to deep hurt;
      • those who hurt us the most and
      • those we hurt the most,
        • are the ones that are closest to us;
          • they give the most happiness and/or cause
            • the deepest pain;
  • open and effective communication meaning

    • willingness to speak
      • about your fears, wants, and feelings
      • in a way that your partner can understand
        • without being pushed away(!), and
    • willingness to ‘listen’, and
    • willingness to learn(!)
      • from the other person;
  • the ability to forgive and overlook your partner’s fault(s):

    • (a generous spirit/heart);
    • ‘The teeth and tongue will get in each other’s way sometimes,’ and
      • it’s not pleasant when they do, but
      • they must find a way to work together
        • for the greater good of the body(!)
          • (in this case the relationship);
    • An ever growing record of hurts in a relationship
      • will crush it.
      • Let your relationship be like a room,
        • a pleasant place  where you both like to relax
          • and savor each other’s company; one
        • that is swept clean daily,
          • of the dust/dirt
            • (hurts of past days, weeks, and months),
        • whose windows and doors are constantly open
          • to allow sunlight and
            • fresh breeze through.

“When Somebody Loves You Back”
(Teddy Pendergrass [1979])

It’s so good lovin’ somebody;
When somebody loves you back

To be loved and be loved in return
It’s the only thing that my heart desires
Just appreciate the little things I do
Oh, you’re the one who’s got me inspired
Keep on liftin’, liftin’ me higher

We can build a world of love, a life of joy
Make our goal each other’s happiness
I will do for you anything that I can
Oh, everyday I wanna do a little more
Do a little more, just a little bit more

Said now 70-30
Now 60-40
Talkin’ ’bout a 50-50 love, yeah

More tomorrow!  You Can Do This, Let’s Do This!

Note:  I have been married 36 years, with 4 grown children, and have spent 30 years in ministry including counselling many couples, at all stages of their relationships. You can say I have been ‘around the block’ a few times. 

Email me your questions on relationships and I will answer them as best as I can.

 

 

Life After Defeat?…Yes!

How do we recover from ‘defeat?’

  • The pregnancy test came back negative.
    • Again!
  • The lab tests came out positive:
    • you do have the disease!
  • You failed the comprehensive final exam
    • Can’t graduate.
    • Can’t advance to the next level.
    • You are not going to be the professional you always wanted to be
      • nurse, doctor, engineer, lawyer, certified accountant, analyst…
      • Not just yet!

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  • Your application for the position was turned down;
    • someone else got it because
      • they were better qualified, better suited.
  • You lost the competition;
    • It was so close, but someone else was faster, stronger, smarter, had a bit more
      • again!
  • Your significant other walked out on you;
    • you have tried everything
      • but they still decided to walk away.
    • Friends and family have given up trying to talk to him/her.
    • Counseling has not worked.
    • Prayers (many) seem not to have worked.
    • Giving selflessly to the relationship has not worked
      • either!
  • Your grown children won’t take correction.
    • They refuse to follow the law, guide their family, manage their finances, their health, and
    • trouble, like a train from a mile away is heading their way
      • you can see it, you can hear it coming!

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First,

  • Separate the event,
    • ‘What happened’
    • from WHO YOU ARE!
      • your innate, God-given value
        • unique
        • equal to that of every other person on the planet
        • possessing the same one unit of life
        • having the same number of hours in a day, days in a month, etc.
        • defined by qualities you posses
          • loyal, loving, sincere, trusting, diligent
          • gifted, patient, kind, selfless, etc. 
      • Someone who is loved
        • by God (certainly)
        • by loving family (children, parents, siblings, friends,
          • when this is the case)
        • by the right kind of person
          • when they get to know you
          • if they get to know you
          • it’s their choice not yours
          • it’s their loss if they don’t
      • Someone who can still succeed!!

Next Steps Tomorrow

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You can do it!  Let’s Do This!

Follow me on twitter, and Facebook.  Contact me at reach4himwdray@gmail.com

Sample Conversation Starters!!

Continuing from the last Post

Here are some conversation starters for you:

  • (FIRST!!!!!:  Be safe, Be smart, Be Wise!)
  • “Long day huh …how has it been?”
  • “That’s a nice bag/t-shirt/name/car/hair style/color…”  followed by,
  • (with a warm smile!!!)
  • photograph of men having conversation seating on chair
    Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

    “I like it, looks expensive, bet you got a good deal on it right?”

  • “Is that your favorite color?”
    • I  once asked a lady (a stranger) who had “Queen” on her t-shirt:
      • “What does that say?  Are you the ‘queen’?”
        • “You must have everything you need!”
        • And the conversation went on from there!
        • By the end of the conversation, I met her family, and a new and very important contact  for my ministry!
  • “I like (model of car), what has been your experience since you got it?”
  • “Is that your favorite, what do you like about it?”

The key is to remember to keep the focus on the other persons in a genuine way.

Some more pointers:  Remember, it’s not about you it’s all about them,

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
  • Yes, them, that total stranger!
  • People want to know you care
  • People want someone to talk to and who will listen
    • Someone I know who works retail and says
      • it is amazing how customers open up and talk
        • about their lives
          • when they know they have a listening ear!
  • Be interested in them in a non-threatening and genuine way
  • Ask open ended questions
    • Questions that start with “What”, “How” “Where” etc.
    • Questions that allow the person to express themselves
      • Not just answer with a “yes” or “no”.
  • If someone has a name tag on
    • say at the cash register, a bank teller, an attendant, or a wait staff
    • call them by their name and
      • smile, look them in the eye as you speak to them!
  • As always, be safe!
  • Lets’s do this!!!
  • You can do it!
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Photo by Sharefaith on Pexels.com

 

 

How to Start and Keep Conversations Going!

Is that you in the waiting room?

  • On the train, in a room full of people you do not know?
  • Wanting to start a conversation
    • with a total stranger
    • but don’t know how?
  • Here is a simple guide.

    five person holding mobile phones
    Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

The key is to focus on other people

  • Focus not on yourself;
    • your fears, (in the moment)
    • your feelings,
    • your dreams,
    • how you look or sound,
    • your problems, rather
    • focus on their fears, problems, dreams, feelings….
  • Be truly interested in them!
  • Think:  “How can I make their world just a little better?”
  • Put them at ease:
    • smile,

      photo of two women smiling
      Photo by Cflgroup Media on Pexels.com
    • introduce yourself;
    • be open about yourself too;
    • authentic compliments go a long way;
    • let them invite you into ‘their space’, and
    • let them be in charge of ‘their space’;
    • ask questions and then – – – – – listen!

What if they do not want to talk?

  • That’s alright.
  • You only wanted to be a ‘friend’.
  • If it was all about them, then
    • it’s their loss.
  • You will be surprised
    • how many people wants someone to listen to them
    • how easy it really is,
      • once you make it about the other person!

Check back tomorrow for some examples of conversation starters!

Love, Finding Nemo 3 – for Gals

Finding Love!

white and pink flowers beside a canister
Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com
  • Finding Nemo 3 – for gals,
    • is like selling your house.
      • Location: where you are;
        • What will never change about you.
        • Deal with bitterness and other skeletons!
        • Develop inner beauty!
          • Qualities that never change!
      • Marketing:
        white and brown concrete bungalow under clear blue sky
        Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
        • Interact widely, appropriately.
        • Take an interest in and
          • do stuff for others.
      • ‘Staging’: Put ‘your best foot (look) forward.’
        • Some styling, (appropriate fashion) for the times will help.
        • You are a beautiful flower;
          • let it show!
          • ‘Curb Appeal’
            • makes buyers want to see what’s inside!
      • Remember: Guys still
        • look for ‘a good mom’,
        • want to have a stable ‘home front’
          • not a war zone;

            red and white sale illustration
            Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com
        • want to make ‘a good deal’,
          • value not a cheap knockoff.
      • Be willing to accept lower but reasonable ‘offers’.
        • if you want your ‘house’ to sell.
  • And what if your ‘house’ does not sell?
    • Continue to ‘list’ it, but
    • like it and
    • love it!
    • Be content to live in it!
    • Be at peace with it.
    • Make it a ‘home’
      • where God is welcome to stay
        • anytime and all the time!

Love! Finding Nemo 2

Love or Like?

  • ‘Love’ (being ‘in love’)

    man and woman eating ice creams
    Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com
    • is a feeling, based mostly on
      • emotions
      • novelty:
        • the heart flutters,
        • with feelings of pleasure,
        • and physical desire, and
    • is fleeting
      • unless reinforced by choice.
  • ‘Like’

    • is different and
    • is based on
      • mutual respect,
      • common interests,
      • trust,
      • authenticity, and
      • natural preference for
        • positive, and supportive interactions,
        • (friendship);
    • is certainly not ‘blind’ and
    • ‘love’ may not last without ‘like!!’.
  • You can build a lasting relationship on ‘like.’

  • ‘Like’ can become ‘love’!!