How do you know he/she is the One with whom you can have
a long lasting, mutually fulfilling, and happy relationship?
Physical Attraction: What you ‘see’ in the other person says
‘Go ahead, he/she is the one!’ This means that their
looks, fashion sense,
body type, posture and manner of walking
showing self- confidence, humility, focus, …;
attitude and presence,
voice and manner of speaking, etc.,
will meet your individual threshold/preference
for physical attraction,
throughout the relationship.
Ignoring this is why I believe that
(the TV show)
‘Married at First Sight’ does not appear to work well
especially without the necessary cultural history and
without a network of supportive and influential family dynamics
Western Culture emphasize/glamorize this far too much
there other equally
or more important factors
Shared Core Values and Approach to Life
You observe that you share similar views about
the most basic things you believe about life:
God, faith, and prayers,
money, life and death, family,
friends, science, the law, culture,
‘Go ahead, he/she is the one!’
‘ BEHIND THE SCENES‘ Real Life Experience(s) say,
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com
‘Yes, Go ahead, he/she is the one!’ ‘Behind the scenes’ experience concerning
earning and spending money,
interactions with siblings, parents, relatives,
co-workers, bosses, detractors and opponents,
(how he/she treats them is how he/she will treat you eventually);
leisure and entertainment activities,
loss, illness, heartaches, and outstanding joys,
‘Go ahead’, he/she is the one! However remember
people can and do change.
Sound Logic and Reasoning Confirms it!
my last post Use Your head to guard your heart
Your heart can guide you
but not against objective facts and logic.
Remember, you are committing yourself to
seek that person’s happiness without precondition
in the hope that they will do the same for you.
“Buy a stock the way you would buy a house. Understand and like it such that you’d be content to own it in the absence of any market.”
“Enter a long term relationship the way you would buy a house. Understand and like it such that you’d be content to own it in the absence of making any profit off it.” Why have a brain if you do not use it to make important decisions in life?
If sound logic and reasoning say
“Go ahead, he/she is the one”
. He/She is the one
What about ‘chemistry,’ ‘instinct,’ ‘live in the moment’ or ‘take a risk’?
‘ is mutual physical attraction and a shared approach to life,
(see above), unfortunately,
will not be enough for the long haul.
You would not invest in the stock market solely by instinct;
you need additional information to inform your ‘instinct’;
why then would you invest your life based solely on instinct?
‘Live in the moment’
Only if you have only one moment to live.
Take a risk
Would you jump out of an airplane
without a parachute and/or
without being reasonably sure it works?
We can do this; Let’s do this!!
Note: I apologies for the gap between the last post and this, Apologies for the gap between the last post and this. My excuse? Life Happened (Work, car crashes in the family, etc.). Email me your questions at email@example.com
Fulfilling, loving, mutually satisfying, meaningful, and long lasting relationships boils down to one thing:
both partners in the relationship, without pre-conditions and with 100% sincerity commit themselves to make the other person feel
safe, loved, happy, accepted, appreciated, understood, and
Be “…like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” [Apostle Paul]
To do this requires
(from both sides),
(psychological, social, and emotional);
children are innocent and beautiful to behold
but they can also be incredibly selfish, foolish, insensitive and unstable;
‘man-child’ partners, and ‘baby-girl’ ‘diva’ personalities
find it hard to focus selflessly on others, and
often ruin the chances for long term happy relationships;
because trust, and vulnerability,
to love without pre-conditions is risky, and
to open up to real love means to open up to deep hurt;
those who hurt us the most and
those we hurt the most,
are the ones that are closest to us;
they give the most happiness and/or cause
meaning open and effective communication
willingness to speak
about your fears, wants, and feelings
in a way that your partner can understand
without being pushed away(!), and
willingness to ‘listen’, and
willingness to learn(!)
the ability to forgive and overlook your partner’s fault(s):
(a generous spirit/heart);
‘The teeth and tongue will get in each other’s way sometimes,’ and
it’s not pleasant when they do, but
they must find a way to work together
for the greater good of the body(!)
(in this case the relationship);
An ever growing record of hurts in a relationship
will crush it.
Let your relationship be like a room,
a pleasant place where you both like to relax
and savor each other’s company; one
that is swept clean daily,
of the dust/dirt
(hurts of past days, weeks, and months),
whose windows and doors are constantly open
“When Somebody Loves You Back”
(Teddy Pendergrass )
It’s so good lovin’ somebody;
When somebody loves you back
To be loved and be loved in return
It’s the only thing that my heart desires
Just appreciate the little things I do
Oh, you’re the one who’s got me inspired
Keep on liftin’, liftin’ me higher
We can build a world of love, a life of joy
Make our goal each other’s happiness
I will do for you anything that I can
Oh, everyday I wanna do a little more
Do a little more, just a little bit more
Said now 70-30
Talkin’ ’bout a 50-50 love, yeah
You Can Do This, Let’s Do This!
Note: I have been married 36 years, with 4 grown children, and have spent 30 years in ministry including counselling many couples, at all stages of their relationships. You can say I have been ‘around the block’ a few times.
Email me your questions on relationships and I will answer them as best as I can.
How do we recover from ‘defeat?’
The pregnancy test came back negative.
The lab tests came out positive:
You failed the comprehensive final exam
Can’t advance to the next level.
You are not going to be the professional you always wanted to be
nurse, doctor, engineer, lawyer, certified accountant, analyst…
Not just yet!
Your application for the position was turned down;
someone else got it because
they were better qualified, better suited.
You lost the competition;
It was so close, but someone else was faster, stronger, smarter, had a bit more
Your significant other walked out on you;
you have tried everything
but they still decided to walk away.
Friends and family have given up trying to talk to him/her.
Counseling has not worked.
Prayers (many) seem not to have worked.
Giving selflessly to the relationship has not worked
Your grown children won’t take correction.
They refuse to follow the law, guide their family, manage their finances, their health, and
trouble, like a train from a mile away is heading their way
you can see it, you can hear it coming!
Separate the event,
‘What happened’ from
WHO YOU ARE!
your innate, God-given value
equal to that of every other person on the planet
possessing the same one unit of life
having the same number of hours in a day, days in a month, etc.
defined by qualities you posses
loyal, loving, sincere, trusting, diligent
gifted, patient, kind, selfless, etc.
Someone who is loved
by God (certainly)
by loving family (children, parents, siblings, friends,
by the right kind of person
when they get to know you
if they get to know you
it’s their choice not yours
it’s their loss if they don’t
Someone who can still succeed!!
Next Steps Tomorrow
You can do it! Let’s Do This!
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twitter, and Facebook. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Finding Love is like Finding Nemo – For Guys
It’s like looking for lost treasure
It’s like hunting prey
(excuse the non-pc expression!)
You need all the information you can get
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Maps, last known location, last known contacts
What does it involve, how will you know that you have found it?
A Profile of the ‘ideal mate’
Then construct a very wide confidence interval
Where ‘she’ hangs out (likely to be found)
is looking for.
SHE You need hunting/investigative Skills
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com ‘Hunting’ skills,
can’t hide the real you forever;
character like toothpaste
will come out under pressure.
Start and hold interesting conversations,
focus on the other person,
about common interests,
not just about yourself!!
laugh at yourself!
You have the right kind of preparation/tools
You take care of business:
You earn a living.
You speak up, out.
You get it!
Life, love, and relationships are wonderful, satisfying, rewarding, fulfilling, the best, ‘can’t do without it’, great!
Life, love and relationships are hard, difficult, unpredictable, messy, risky.
Life, love, and relationships are worth it!
You are not perfect
(not a god either!)
You have your own imperfections
So accept hers! You are willing to work
Put in some sweat equity
“Nothing in the world is worth having
or worth doing
unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty…” You are willing to take a risk
Be personally invested,
Take the next step
Jump off the plane and trust that
your training and preparation and that
the parachute will open!
“A ship in the harbor is safe,
but that is not ships are built for”! Risk rejection!
HAPPY FINDING (HUNTING!!!!) – YOU CAN DO THIS – LET’S DO THIS!
I had another dream, not too long after my first one
(please see “
Do Your Homework“).
This time, my family consisting of
my teenage daughter,
my 8-year old son,
We live in a house in a third world country
in an upstairs flat,
with an open floor plan
in my dream.
In my dream, the country
is in the tropics;
the windows and doors were mostly open,
we could see neighbors through our windows,
power supply was minimal,
there was no central air or heating.
we also hung our clothes out to dry
on the baloney of the house.
The society around me was overwhelmingly Muslim,
but not exclusively so.
I just know that as a Christian
I was among the small minority in the population.
The government was Muslim,
not overtly anti-minority, but also
not openly defending minority faith communities.
As a family we were known to be Christians,
but we kept our heads down and stayed out of trouble.
In my dream,
I don’t remember my occupation, but
I know I wanted to be
a witness to the population.
I was not a missionary in the strict sense of the word.
In my dream,
There was a young woman across the street.
There were rumors
that she was seeing multiple men
She kept to herself but,
these rumors had taken hold
in the community
whether true or not.
On this day,
in my dream
a mob of young men had come to her house.
They were banging on the door, insisting that it be opened.
There was violence in the air.
As we looked through our window and down onto the street level,
(we were on the second floor)
we sensed that the mob
to move back from the window;
to stay quiet, and
to not draw attention to ourselves.
We waited quietly
for what seemed like half an hour.
It was noisy and rowdy outside.
Our house was quiet.
We could not tell
whether they had seized the woman next door, or
what they had done to her.
we had a knock at our door.
Someone was asking to be let in!
Before we knew it,
that person walked right into our ‘living room’.
(I had forgotten to lock the front door,
but that is normal in many third world countries and
we were trying to be hospitable and welcoming,
as part of our witness)
The man who came in was about forty-five. He was
was well dressed
but at the same time
part of the ‘extremist’ movement; but
appearing ‘above’ it
not a devotee
just convincing to the followers.
He was the leader of this group.
He walked right to up to the window
through which we had been looking down onto the street.
(They knew we were there all along,
they knew who we were, and
they knew we were different:
His ‘greeting’ to us was curt, dismissive, somewhat cold, non-committal!
He was not eager to make conversation.
This was not a friendly visit.
neither overtly threatening, nor peaceful.
We were on a knife edge.
Then about six other young men of the mob burst through our door.
I did not see what they had in their hands, but
that they had knives,
I remember thinking,
My wife was at the kitchen
(we were all in the same ‘open floor plan’ space).
was half-way between me and my wife, and
my eight year-old son
was playing on the floor,
behind the leader of the group,
but in a different line of sight,
kind of like a triangle,
between my wife, myself and the leader of the group.
My wife had a knife in her hand
which she was using to prepare food in the kitchen.
When the young men burst in, they shouted at their leader.
What were his instructions?
Where was this going?
I was ready to shout to my wife
to defend out daughter and
I could see that she was ready
to lay her life down
yet nothing had been decided yet.
Where was this going ?
Then I woke up!
The dream was very clear.
And I thought,
“What is the lesson here?”
Pray for missionaries who serve in hostile mission fields around the world.
Pray for Christians in places where they are minorities and may face danger.
Pray for all innocent persons who are minorities facing a hostile majority.
Mob mentality is very difficult, even impossible to
predict, or to
control or to be
The Mob is often
the highly educated,
the politician and
the astute businessman
for their own ends.
A rampaging mob may turn on
otherwise innocent bystanders,
even those who think they are safe, and
everyone and anyone
who is not part of the mob.
Exodus 23:2 (NIV) “Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong. When you give testimony in a lawsuit, do not pervert justice by siding with the crowd.”