Tag Archives: love

How Do You Know He/She is the One!

Seriously,

  • How do you know he/she is the One

  • with whom you can have
    • a long lasting, mutually fulfilling, and happy relationship?

Physical Attraction:  What you ‘see’ in the other person says

  • ‘Go ahead, he/she is the one!’
  • This means that their
    • looks, fashion sense,
    • body type, posture and manner of walking
      • showing self- confidence, humility, focus, …;
    • attitude and presence,
    • voice and manner of speaking, etc.,
      • will meet your individual threshold/preference
        • for physical attraction,
        • throughout the relationship.
  • Ignoring this is why I believe that
    • (the TV show)
    • ‘Married at First Sight’ does not appear to work well
      • especially without the necessary cultural history and
      • without a network of supportive and influential family dynamics
        • to support it.
  • Western Culture emphasize/glamorize this far too much
    • when there other equally
      • or more important factors
        • to consider.

Shared Core Values and Approach to Life

  • You observe that you share similar views about
  • the most basic things you believe about life:
    • God, faith, and prayers,
    • money, life and death, family,
    • friends, science, the law, culture,
  • all say ‘Go ahead, he/she is the one!’

BEHIND THE SCENES‘ Real Life Experience(s) say,

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Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com
  • ‘Yes, Go ahead, he/she is the one!’
  • ‘Behind the scenes’ experience concerning
    • earning and spending money,
    • interactions with siblings, parents, relatives,
    • co-workers, bosses, detractors and opponents,
      • (how he/she treats them is how he/she will treat you eventually);
    • leisure and entertainment activities,
    • loss, illness, heartaches, and outstanding joys,
      • all say ‘Go ahead’, he/she is the one!
  • However remember
    • people can and do change.

Sound Logic and Reasoning Confirms it!

  • Please see my last post
  • Use Your head to guard your heart
  • Your heart can guide you
    • but not against objective facts and logic.
  • Remember, you are committing yourself to
    • seek that person’s happiness without precondition
      • in the hope that they will do the same for you.
  • Warren Buffet: 
    • “Buy a stock the way you would buy a house. Understand and like it such that you’d be content to own it in the absence of any market.”
    • Me :  “Enter a long term relationship the way you would buy a house. Understand and like it such that you’d be content to own it in the absence of making any profit off it.”
  • Why have a brain if you do not use it to make important decisions in life?
  • If sound logic and reasoning say “Go ahead, he/she is the one” then
    • do it, He/She is the one.

What about ‘chemistry,’ ‘instinct,’ ‘live in the moment’ or ‘take a risk’?

  • Chemistry‘ is mutual physical attraction and a shared approach to life,
    • (see above), unfortunately,
    • will not be enough for the long haul.
  • ‘Instinct’?
    • You would not invest in the stock market solely by instinct;
      • you need additional information to inform your ‘instinct’;
      • why then would you invest your life based solely on instinct?
  • ‘Live in the moment’?
    • Only if you have only one moment to live.
  • Take a risk?’
    • Would you jump out of an airplane
      • without a parachute and/or
      • without being reasonably sure it works?

We can do this; Let’s do this!!

Note:  I apologies for the gap between the last post and this, Apologies for the gap between the last  post and this.  My excuse? Life Happened (Work, car crashes in the family, etc.).  Email me your questions at reach4himwdray@gmail.com

What Makes Long Term Relationships Work? Really!

Fulfilling, loving, mutually satisfying, meaningful, and long lasting relationships boils down to one thing:

  • both partners in the relationship, without pre-conditions and with 100% sincerity commit themselves to make the other person feel
    • safe, loved, happy, accepted,  appreciated, understood, and
    • cared for.

Be “…like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  [Apostle Paul]

To do this requires

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  • maturity,

    • (from both sides),
    • (psychological, social, and emotional);
    • children are innocent and beautiful to behold
      • but they can also be incredibly selfish, foolish, insensitive and unstable;
    • ‘man-child’ partners, and ‘baby-girl’ ‘diva’ personalities
      • find it hard to focus selflessly on others, and
      • often ruin the chances for long term happy relationships;
  • trust, and vulnerability, because

    • to love without pre-conditions is risky, and
    • to open up to real love means to open up to deep hurt;
      • those who hurt us the most and
      • those we hurt the most,
        • are the ones that are closest to us;
          • they give the most happiness and/or cause
            • the deepest pain;
  • open and effective communication meaning

    • willingness to speak
      • about your fears, wants, and feelings
      • in a way that your partner can understand
        • without being pushed away(!), and
    • willingness to ‘listen’, and
    • willingness to learn(!)
      • from the other person;
  • the ability to forgive and overlook your partner’s fault(s):

    • (a generous spirit/heart);
    • ‘The teeth and tongue will get in each other’s way sometimes,’ and
      • it’s not pleasant when they do, but
      • they must find a way to work together
        • for the greater good of the body(!)
          • (in this case the relationship);
    • An ever growing record of hurts in a relationship
      • will crush it.
      • Let your relationship be like a room,
        • a pleasant place  where you both like to relax
          • and savor each other’s company; one
        • that is swept clean daily,
          • of the dust/dirt
            • (hurts of past days, weeks, and months),
        • whose windows and doors are constantly open
          • to allow sunlight and
            • fresh breeze through.

“When Somebody Loves You Back”
(Teddy Pendergrass [1979])

It’s so good lovin’ somebody;
When somebody loves you back

To be loved and be loved in return
It’s the only thing that my heart desires
Just appreciate the little things I do
Oh, you’re the one who’s got me inspired
Keep on liftin’, liftin’ me higher

We can build a world of love, a life of joy
Make our goal each other’s happiness
I will do for you anything that I can
Oh, everyday I wanna do a little more
Do a little more, just a little bit more

Said now 70-30
Now 60-40
Talkin’ ’bout a 50-50 love, yeah

More tomorrow!  You Can Do This, Let’s Do This!

Note:  I have been married 36 years, with 4 grown children, and have spent 30 years in ministry including counselling many couples, at all stages of their relationships. You can say I have been ‘around the block’ a few times. 

Email me your questions on relationships and I will answer them as best as I can.

 

 

Life After Defeat?…Yes!

How do we recover from ‘defeat?’

  • The pregnancy test came back negative.
    • Again!
  • The lab tests came out positive:
    • you do have the disease!
  • You failed the comprehensive final exam
    • Can’t graduate.
    • Can’t advance to the next level.
    • You are not going to be the professional you always wanted to be
      • nurse, doctor, engineer, lawyer, certified accountant, analyst…
      • Not just yet!

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  • Your application for the position was turned down;
    • someone else got it because
      • they were better qualified, better suited.
  • You lost the competition;
    • It was so close, but someone else was faster, stronger, smarter, had a bit more
      • again!
  • Your significant other walked out on you;
    • you have tried everything
      • but they still decided to walk away.
    • Friends and family have given up trying to talk to him/her.
    • Counseling has not worked.
    • Prayers (many) seem not to have worked.
    • Giving selflessly to the relationship has not worked
      • either!
  • Your grown children won’t take correction.
    • They refuse to follow the law, guide their family, manage their finances, their health, and
    • trouble, like a train from a mile away is heading their way
      • you can see it, you can hear it coming!

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First,

  • Separate the event,
    • ‘What happened’
    • from WHO YOU ARE!
      • your innate, God-given value
        • unique
        • equal to that of every other person on the planet
        • possessing the same one unit of life
        • having the same number of hours in a day, days in a month, etc.
        • defined by qualities you posses
          • loyal, loving, sincere, trusting, diligent
          • gifted, patient, kind, selfless, etc. 
      • Someone who is loved
        • by God (certainly)
        • by loving family (children, parents, siblings, friends,
          • when this is the case)
        • by the right kind of person
          • when they get to know you
          • if they get to know you
          • it’s their choice not yours
          • it’s their loss if they don’t
      • Someone who can still succeed!!

Next Steps Tomorrow

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You can do it!  Let’s Do This!

Follow me on twitter, and Facebook.  Contact me at reach4himwdray@gmail.com

Love, Finding Nemo 3 – for Gals

Finding Love!

white and pink flowers beside a canister
Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com
  • Finding Nemo 3 – for gals,
    • is like selling your house.
      • Location: where you are;
        • What will never change about you.
        • Deal with bitterness and other skeletons!
        • Develop inner beauty!
          • Qualities that never change!
      • Marketing:
        white and brown concrete bungalow under clear blue sky
        Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
        • Interact widely, appropriately.
        • Take an interest in and
          • do stuff for others.
      • ‘Staging’: Put ‘your best foot (look) forward.’
        • Some styling, (appropriate fashion) for the times will help.
        • You are a beautiful flower;
          • let it show!
          • ‘Curb Appeal’
            • makes buyers want to see what’s inside!
      • Remember: Guys still
        • look for ‘a good mom’,
        • want to have a stable ‘home front’
          • not a war zone;

            red and white sale illustration
            Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com
        • want to make ‘a good deal’,
          • value not a cheap knockoff.
      • Be willing to accept lower but reasonable ‘offers’.
        • if you want your ‘house’ to sell.
  • And what if your ‘house’ does not sell?
    • Continue to ‘list’ it, but
    • like it and
    • love it!
    • Be content to live in it!
    • Be at peace with it.
    • Make it a ‘home’
      • where God is welcome to stay
        • anytime and all the time!

Love! Finding Nemo 2

Love or Like?

  • ‘Love’ (being ‘in love’)

    man and woman eating ice creams
    Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com
    • is a feeling, based mostly on
      • emotions
      • novelty:
        • the heart flutters,
        • with feelings of pleasure,
        • and physical desire, and
    • is fleeting
      • unless reinforced by choice.
  • ‘Like’

    • is different and
    • is based on
      • mutual respect,
      • common interests,
      • trust,
      • authenticity, and
      • natural preference for
        • positive, and supportive interactions,
        • (friendship);
    • is certainly not ‘blind’ and
    • ‘love’ may not last without ‘like!!’.
  • You can build a lasting relationship on ‘like.’

  • ‘Like’ can become ‘love’!!

Love…Finding Nemo, For Guys

Finding Love is like Finding Nemo – For Guys

  • It’s like looking for lost treasure
  • It’s like hunting prey
    • (excuse the non-pc expression!)
    • You need all the information you can get
      person pointing at black and gray film camera near macbook pro
      Photo by Element5 Digital on Pexels.com
      • Maps, last known location, last known contacts
      • What does it involve, how will you know that you have found it?
      • A Profile of the ‘ideal mate’
        • Then construct a very wide confidence interval
          • (margin of error)
      • Where ‘she’ hangs out (likely to be found)
      • What SHE is looking for.
        • Be that person!!!

    • You need hunting/investigative Skills
      • Investigative skills:
        black and white blank challenge connect
        Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
        • See above.
      • ‘Hunting’ skills,
        • Be authentic:
          • can’t hide the real you forever;
          • character like toothpaste
            • will come out under pressure.
        • Start and hold interesting conversations,
          • focus on the other person,
          • about common interests,
          • not just about yourself!!
          • laugh at yourself!
        • personal grooming
    • You have the right kind of preparation/tools
      • You take care of business:
        • You earn a living.
        • You speak up, out.
        • You get it!
          • Life, love, and relationships are wonderful, satisfying, rewarding, fulfilling, the best, ‘can’t do without it’, great!
          • Life, love and relationships are hard, difficult, unpredictable, messy, risky.
            • All at once!
          • Life, love, and relationships are worth it!
      • You are not perfect
        • (not a god either!)
        • You have your own imperfections
          • skeletons/weaknesses/failures/pet peeves
          • So accept hers!
    • You are willing to work
      • Put in some sweat equity
      • “Nothing in the world is worth having
        • or worth doing
        • unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty…”
          • Theodore Roosevelt 
    • You are willing to take a risk
      • Be personally invested,
        • money,
        • time
        • effort

          white and pink flowers beside a canister
          Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com
      • Take the next step
      • Jump off the plane and trust that
        • your training and preparation and that
        • the parachute will open!
      • “A ship in the harbor is safe,
        • but that is not ships are built for”!
          • John A. Shedd
      • Risk rejection!

HAPPY FINDING (HUNTING!!!!) – YOU CAN DO THIS – LET’S DO THIS!

At the Mercy of Extremists!

I had another dream, not too long after my first one

  • (please see “Do Your Homework“).
    • This time, my family consisting of
    • my wife,
    • my teenage daughter,
    • my 8-year old son,
    • and me.
  • We live in a house in a third world country
    • in an upstairs flat,
    • with an open floor plan
    • in my dream.

In my dream, the country

  • is in the tropics;
  • the windows and doors were mostly open,
  • we could see neighbors through our windows,
  • power supply was minimal,
  • there was no central air or heating.
  • we also hung our clothes out to dry
    • on the baloney of the house.

The society around me was overwhelmingly Muslim,

  • but not exclusively so.
  • I just know that as a Christian
    • I was among the small minority in the population.
  • The government was Muslim,
    • not overtly anti-minority, but also
    • not openly defending minority faith communities.
  • As a family we were known to be Christians,
    • but we kept our heads down and stayed out of trouble.
    • In my dream,
      • I don’t remember my occupation, but
      • I know I wanted to be
        • a witness to the population.
      • I was not a missionary in the strict sense of the word.

In my dream,

  • There was a young woman across the street.
    • There were rumors
      • that she was seeing multiple men
        • as her profession.
    • She kept to herself but,
      • these rumors had taken hold
        • in the community
        • whether true or not.
  • On this day,
    • in my dream
    • a mob of young men had come to her house.
      • They were banging on the door, insisting that it be opened.
    • There was violence in the air.
    • As we looked through our window and down onto the street level,
      • (we were on the second floor)
      • we sensed that the mob
    • to move back from the window;
    • to stay quiet, and
    • to not draw attention to ourselves.
  • We waited quietly
    • for what seemed like half an hour.
      • It was noisy and rowdy outside.
    • Our house was quiet.
      • Listening!
  • We could not tell
    • whether they had seized the woman next door, or
    • what they had done to her.
  • Suddenly,
    • we had a knock at our door.
    • Someone was asking to be let in!
  • Before we knew it,
    • that person walked right into our ‘living room’.
    • (I had forgotten to lock the front door,
      • but that is normal in many third world countries and
      • we were trying to be hospitable and welcoming,
      • as part of our witness)
        • in my dream!!
  • The man who came in was about forty-five. He was
    • was well dressed
    • seemed reasonable,
    • well cultured,
    • educated,
    • but at the same time
      • part of the ‘extremist’ movement; but
      • appearing ‘above’ it
        • with his own agenda,
      • not fervent,
      • not a devotee
        • just convincing to the followers.
      • He was the leader of this group.
    • He walked right to up to the window
      • through which we had been looking down onto the street.
        • (They knew we were there all along,
        • they knew who we were, and
        • they knew we were different:
          • not one of them!
    • His ‘greeting’ to us was curt, dismissive, somewhat cold, non-committal!
      • He was not eager to make conversation.
      • This was not a friendly visit.
        • neither overtly threatening, nor peaceful.
          • It could go either way.
        • We were on a knife edge.
  • Then about six other young men of the mob burst through our door.
    • I did not see what they had in their hands, but
      • I imagined
        • that they had knives,
        • machetes, and
        • sticks.
      • I remember thinking,
        • “This is not good!”
  • My wife was at the kitchen
    • (we were all in the same ‘open floor plan’ space).
  • My daughter
    • was half-way between me and my wife, and
  • my eight year-old son
    • was playing on the floor,
    • behind the leader of the group,
      • but in a different line of sight,
      • kind of like a triangle,
        • between my wife, myself and the leader of the group.
  • My wife had a knife in her hand
    • which she was using to prepare food in the kitchen.

When the young men burst in, they shouted at their leader.

  • What were his instructions?
    • About us!
  • Where was this going?
  • I was ready to shout to my wife
    • to defend out daughter and
    • I could see that she was ready
      • to lay her life down
        • for her babies, and
      • yet nothing had been decided yet.
  • Where was this going ?

Then I woke up!

The dream was very clear.

And I thought,
“What is the lesson here?”

  1. Pray for missionaries who serve in hostile mission fields around the world.
  2. Pray for Christians in places where they are  minorities and may face danger.
  3. Pray for all innocent persons who are minorities facing a hostile majority.
  4. Mob mentality is very difficult, even impossible to
    1. predict, or to
    2. control or to be
    3. reasoned with.
  5. The Mob is often
    1. enabled
    2. led
    3. manipulated by
      1. the highly educated,
      2. the politician and
      3. the astute businessman
        1. for their own ends.
  6. A rampaging mob may turn on
    1. otherwise innocent bystanders,
    2. even those who think they are safe, and
    3. everyone and anyone
      1. who is not part of the mob.

Exodus 23:2 (NIV) “Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong. When you give testimony in a lawsuit, do not pervert justice by siding with the crowd.”