Tag Archives: friends

What Makes Long Term Relationships Work? Really!

Fulfilling, loving, mutually satisfying, meaningful, and long lasting relationships boils down to one thing:

  • both partners in the relationship, without pre-conditions and with 100% sincerity commit themselves to make the other person feel
    • safe, loved, happy, accepted,  appreciated, understood, and
    • cared for.

Be “…like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  [Apostle Paul]

To do this requires

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  • maturity,

    • (from both sides),
    • (psychological, social, and emotional);
    • children are innocent and beautiful to behold
      • but they can also be incredibly selfish, foolish, insensitive and unstable;
    • ‘man-child’ partners, and ‘baby-girl’ ‘diva’ personalities
      • find it hard to focus selflessly on others, and
      • often ruin the chances for long term happy relationships;
  • trust, and vulnerability, because

    • to love without pre-conditions is risky, and
    • to open up to real love means to open up to deep hurt;
      • those who hurt us the most and
      • those we hurt the most,
        • are the ones that are closest to us;
          • they give the most happiness and/or cause
            • the deepest pain;
  • open and effective communication meaning

    • willingness to speak
      • about your fears, wants, and feelings
      • in a way that your partner can understand
        • without being pushed away(!), and
    • willingness to ‘listen’, and
    • willingness to learn(!)
      • from the other person;
  • the ability to forgive and overlook your partner’s fault(s):

    • (a generous spirit/heart);
    • ‘The teeth and tongue will get in each other’s way sometimes,’ and
      • it’s not pleasant when they do, but
      • they must find a way to work together
        • for the greater good of the body(!)
          • (in this case the relationship);
    • An ever growing record of hurts in a relationship
      • will crush it.
      • Let your relationship be like a room,
        • a pleasant place  where you both like to relax
          • and savor each other’s company; one
        • that is swept clean daily,
          • of the dust/dirt
            • (hurts of past days, weeks, and months),
        • whose windows and doors are constantly open
          • to allow sunlight and
            • fresh breeze through.

“When Somebody Loves You Back”
(Teddy Pendergrass [1979])

It’s so good lovin’ somebody;
When somebody loves you back

To be loved and be loved in return
It’s the only thing that my heart desires
Just appreciate the little things I do
Oh, you’re the one who’s got me inspired
Keep on liftin’, liftin’ me higher

We can build a world of love, a life of joy
Make our goal each other’s happiness
I will do for you anything that I can
Oh, everyday I wanna do a little more
Do a little more, just a little bit more

Said now 70-30
Now 60-40
Talkin’ ’bout a 50-50 love, yeah

More tomorrow!  You Can Do This, Let’s Do This!

Note:  I have been married 36 years, with 4 grown children, and have spent 30 years in ministry including counselling many couples, at all stages of their relationships. You can say I have been ‘around the block’ a few times. 

Email me your questions on relationships and I will answer them as best as I can.

 

 

Disappointed, Discouraged, and/or Depressed?

  • Look Upward:

    • Pour your heart out to God.adventure-aircraft-colorful-2376268.jpg

      • Yes, it is okay to complain, berate, weep, and protest to God
        • about your feelings and circumstances;
        • if you doubt that just read the Book of Job;
        • he (God) can handle criticism, he wears very big shoes.
    • Praise him, by faith:

      • Praise is very good therapy!
      • Count your blessings.
      • I recommend it even when you are ‘not feeling it’!
  • Look Outward:

    • Find a good shoulder to cry on:

      • Your spouse, a close sibling, your BFF, and
      • A good counselor.
    • Reach out for the occasional emotional relief

      two women taking photo
      Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com
      • ‘cookie’ or ice cream, music, or good movie
      • (use with caution and sparingly)
      • (this is only a temporary relief)
      • (I most definitely don’t recommend alcohol or any other type of ‘Drug’)
        • AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Look Forward:

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Contact: reach4himwdray@gmail.com

Sample Conversation Starters!!

Continuing from the last Post

Here are some conversation starters for you:

  • (FIRST!!!!!:  Be safe, Be smart, Be Wise!)
  • “Long day huh …how has it been?”
  • “That’s a nice bag/t-shirt/name/car/hair style/color…”  followed by,
  • (with a warm smile!!!)
  • photograph of men having conversation seating on chair
    Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

    “I like it, looks expensive, bet you got a good deal on it right?”

  • “Is that your favorite color?”
    • I  once asked a lady (a stranger) who had “Queen” on her t-shirt:
      • “What does that say?  Are you the ‘queen’?”
        • “You must have everything you need!”
        • And the conversation went on from there!
        • By the end of the conversation, I met her family, and a new and very important contact  for my ministry!
  • “I like (model of car), what has been your experience since you got it?”
  • “Is that your favorite, what do you like about it?”

The key is to remember to keep the focus on the other persons in a genuine way.

Some more pointers:  Remember, it’s not about you it’s all about them,

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
  • Yes, them, that total stranger!
  • People want to know you care
  • People want someone to talk to and who will listen
    • Someone I know who works retail and says
      • it is amazing how customers open up and talk
        • about their lives
          • when they know they have a listening ear!
  • Be interested in them in a non-threatening and genuine way
  • Ask open ended questions
    • Questions that start with “What”, “How” “Where” etc.
    • Questions that allow the person to express themselves
      • Not just answer with a “yes” or “no”.
  • If someone has a name tag on
    • say at the cash register, a bank teller, an attendant, or a wait staff
    • call them by their name and
      • smile, look them in the eye as you speak to them!
  • As always, be safe!
  • Lets’s do this!!!
  • You can do it!
smiling women and men sitting on green grass
Photo by Sharefaith on Pexels.com

 

 

How to Start and Keep Conversations Going!

Is that you in the waiting room?

  • On the train, in a room full of people you do not know?
  • Wanting to start a conversation
    • with a total stranger
    • but don’t know how?
  • Here is a simple guide.

    five person holding mobile phones
    Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

The key is to focus on other people

  • Focus not on yourself;
    • your fears, (in the moment)
    • your feelings,
    • your dreams,
    • how you look or sound,
    • your problems, rather
    • focus on their fears, problems, dreams, feelings….
  • Be truly interested in them!
  • Think:  “How can I make their world just a little better?”
  • Put them at ease:
    • smile,

      photo of two women smiling
      Photo by Cflgroup Media on Pexels.com
    • introduce yourself;
    • be open about yourself too;
    • authentic compliments go a long way;
    • let them invite you into ‘their space’, and
    • let them be in charge of ‘their space’;
    • ask questions and then – – – – – listen!

What if they do not want to talk?

  • That’s alright.
  • You only wanted to be a ‘friend’.
  • If it was all about them, then
    • it’s their loss.
  • You will be surprised
    • how many people wants someone to listen to them
    • how easy it really is,
      • once you make it about the other person!

Check back tomorrow for some examples of conversation starters!

Love! Finding Nemo 2

Love or Like?

  • ‘Love’ (being ‘in love’)

    man and woman eating ice creams
    Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com
    • is a feeling, based mostly on
      • emotions
      • novelty:
        • the heart flutters,
        • with feelings of pleasure,
        • and physical desire, and
    • is fleeting
      • unless reinforced by choice.
  • ‘Like’

    • is different and
    • is based on
      • mutual respect,
      • common interests,
      • trust,
      • authenticity, and
      • natural preference for
        • positive, and supportive interactions,
        • (friendship);
    • is certainly not ‘blind’ and
    • ‘love’ may not last without ‘like!!’.
  • You can build a lasting relationship on ‘like.’

  • ‘Like’ can become ‘love’!!

Love…Finding Nemo, For Guys

Finding Love is like Finding Nemo – For Guys

  • It’s like looking for lost treasure
  • It’s like hunting prey
    • (excuse the non-pc expression!)
    • You need all the information you can get
      person pointing at black and gray film camera near macbook pro
      Photo by Element5 Digital on Pexels.com
      • Maps, last known location, last known contacts
      • What does it involve, how will you know that you have found it?
      • A Profile of the ‘ideal mate’
        • Then construct a very wide confidence interval
          • (margin of error)
      • Where ‘she’ hangs out (likely to be found)
      • What SHE is looking for.
        • Be that person!!!

    • You need hunting/investigative Skills
      • Investigative skills:
        black and white blank challenge connect
        Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
        • See above.
      • ‘Hunting’ skills,
        • Be authentic:
          • can’t hide the real you forever;
          • character like toothpaste
            • will come out under pressure.
        • Start and hold interesting conversations,
          • focus on the other person,
          • about common interests,
          • not just about yourself!!
          • laugh at yourself!
        • personal grooming
    • You have the right kind of preparation/tools
      • You take care of business:
        • You earn a living.
        • You speak up, out.
        • You get it!
          • Life, love, and relationships are wonderful, satisfying, rewarding, fulfilling, the best, ‘can’t do without it’, great!
          • Life, love and relationships are hard, difficult, unpredictable, messy, risky.
            • All at once!
          • Life, love, and relationships are worth it!
      • You are not perfect
        • (not a god either!)
        • You have your own imperfections
          • skeletons/weaknesses/failures/pet peeves
          • So accept hers!
    • You are willing to work
      • Put in some sweat equity
      • “Nothing in the world is worth having
        • or worth doing
        • unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty…”
          • Theodore Roosevelt 
    • You are willing to take a risk
      • Be personally invested,
        • money,
        • time
        • effort

          white and pink flowers beside a canister
          Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com
      • Take the next step
      • Jump off the plane and trust that
        • your training and preparation and that
        • the parachute will open!
      • “A ship in the harbor is safe,
        • but that is not ships are built for”!
          • John A. Shedd
      • Risk rejection!

HAPPY FINDING (HUNTING!!!!) – YOU CAN DO THIS – LET’S DO THIS!