How do you know he/she is the One with whom you can have
a long lasting, mutually fulfilling, and happy relationship?
Physical Attraction: What you ‘see’ in the other person says
‘Go ahead, he/she is the one!’ This means that their
looks, fashion sense,
body type, posture and manner of walking
showing self- confidence, humility, focus, …;
attitude and presence,
voice and manner of speaking, etc.,
will meet your individual threshold/preference
for physical attraction,
throughout the relationship.
Ignoring this is why I believe that
(the TV show)
‘Married at First Sight’ does not appear to work well
especially without the necessary cultural history and
without a network of supportive and influential family dynamics
Western Culture emphasize/glamorize this far too much
there other equally
or more important factors
Shared Core Values and Approach to Life
You observe that you share similar views about
the most basic things you believe about life:
God, faith, and prayers,
money, life and death, family,
friends, science, the law, culture,
‘Go ahead, he/she is the one!’
‘ BEHIND THE SCENES‘ Real Life Experience(s) say,
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‘Yes, Go ahead, he/she is the one!’ ‘Behind the scenes’ experience concerning
earning and spending money,
interactions with siblings, parents, relatives,
co-workers, bosses, detractors and opponents,
(how he/she treats them is how he/she will treat you eventually);
leisure and entertainment activities,
loss, illness, heartaches, and outstanding joys,
‘Go ahead’, he/she is the one! However remember
people can and do change.
Sound Logic and Reasoning Confirms it!
my last post Use Your head to guard your heart
Your heart can guide you
but not against objective facts and logic.
Remember, you are committing yourself to
seek that person’s happiness without precondition
in the hope that they will do the same for you.
“Buy a stock the way you would buy a house. Understand and like it such that you’d be content to own it in the absence of any market.”
“Enter a long term relationship the way you would buy a house. Understand and like it such that you’d be content to own it in the absence of making any profit off it.” Why have a brain if you do not use it to make important decisions in life?
If sound logic and reasoning say
“Go ahead, he/she is the one”
. He/She is the one
What about ‘chemistry,’ ‘instinct,’ ‘live in the moment’ or ‘take a risk’?
‘ is mutual physical attraction and a shared approach to life,
(see above), unfortunately,
will not be enough for the long haul.
You would not invest in the stock market solely by instinct;
you need additional information to inform your ‘instinct’;
why then would you invest your life based solely on instinct?
‘Live in the moment’
Only if you have only one moment to live.
Take a risk
Would you jump out of an airplane
without a parachute and/or
without being reasonably sure it works?
We can do this; Let’s do this!!
Note: I apologies for the gap between the last post and this, Apologies for the gap between the last post and this. My excuse? Life Happened (Work, car crashes in the family, etc.). Email me your questions at email@example.com
Fulfilling, loving, mutually satisfying, meaningful, and long lasting relationships boils down to one thing:
both partners in the relationship, without pre-conditions and with 100% sincerity commit themselves to make the other person feel
safe, loved, happy, accepted, appreciated, understood, and
Be “…like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” [Apostle Paul]
To do this requires
(from both sides),
(psychological, social, and emotional);
children are innocent and beautiful to behold
but they can also be incredibly selfish, foolish, insensitive and unstable;
‘man-child’ partners, and ‘baby-girl’ ‘diva’ personalities
find it hard to focus selflessly on others, and
often ruin the chances for long term happy relationships;
because trust, and vulnerability,
to love without pre-conditions is risky, and
to open up to real love means to open up to deep hurt;
those who hurt us the most and
those we hurt the most,
are the ones that are closest to us;
they give the most happiness and/or cause
meaning open and effective communication
willingness to speak
about your fears, wants, and feelings
in a way that your partner can understand
without being pushed away(!), and
willingness to ‘listen’, and
willingness to learn(!)
the ability to forgive and overlook your partner’s fault(s):
(a generous spirit/heart);
‘The teeth and tongue will get in each other’s way sometimes,’ and
it’s not pleasant when they do, but
they must find a way to work together
for the greater good of the body(!)
(in this case the relationship);
An ever growing record of hurts in a relationship
will crush it.
Let your relationship be like a room,
a pleasant place where you both like to relax
and savor each other’s company; one
that is swept clean daily,
of the dust/dirt
(hurts of past days, weeks, and months),
whose windows and doors are constantly open
“When Somebody Loves You Back”
(Teddy Pendergrass )
It’s so good lovin’ somebody;
When somebody loves you back
To be loved and be loved in return
It’s the only thing that my heart desires
Just appreciate the little things I do
Oh, you’re the one who’s got me inspired
Keep on liftin’, liftin’ me higher
We can build a world of love, a life of joy
Make our goal each other’s happiness
I will do for you anything that I can
Oh, everyday I wanna do a little more
Do a little more, just a little bit more
Said now 70-30
Talkin’ ’bout a 50-50 love, yeah
You Can Do This, Let’s Do This!
Note: I have been married 36 years, with 4 grown children, and have spent 30 years in ministry including counselling many couples, at all stages of their relationships. You can say I have been ‘around the block’ a few times.
Email me your questions on relationships and I will answer them as best as I can.
In my last post, I told you two ways your loan balance can continue to increase.
Even when you are making your minimum monthly payments,
if you miss your minimum monthly payment, and/or
whenever you are allowed to pay less than your minimum monthly payment
your loan balance may continue to increase.
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Other scenarios in which your loan balance will continue to rise:
A ‘debt relief’ program promises you can make ‘smaller payments’
than the standard/reasonable minimum monthly payments, and
used by some unscrupulous lenders to trap you
Some government and/or education loans repayment plan are also
income driven, i.e. based on
how much you earn not
how much is required to pay off the loan
in a reasonable period of time.
you owe $25,000, at 15% annual interest rate computed on the balance each month
The minimum payment is 2% or $500.
“That’s too high”, you say, “can you help me?”
“Can I pay $200 per month please?” “
Sure”, the lender says, “just for you!” What you may not realize is that
$200 does not cover your monthly interest ($314).s
The difference ($314 – $200)
is added to your loan balance
(the interest has been ‘capitalized’)
which continues to earn interest.
The Education Department Income Driven Repayment Plan (IDRP)
provides relief to people allowing them to make payments
based on how much they earn
on loan balances that earn interest each day
until the to total balance is paid off.
As above, you may be making all regular required payments
but your actual loan balance could be increasing!!
You make regular minimum payments but
if the interest rate is high and if
the loan balance is continually earning interest,
your loan balance will continue to increase; in fact
the loan balance will double approximately
every 70/(interest rate) years
according to the ‘Rule of 70’:
an amount that grows at the rate of ‘x’ per period
will double approximately every 70/x periods.
a credit card balance of $25,000 at 15% annual interest rate
will double every 70/15 = 4.7 years (4 years and 8 months)
If you make every minimum required payment of 2%,
The balance will double every 70/13 = 5 years and 5 months.
Some credit card loans will have lower/higher interest rates.
Some loans (some mortgages, car notes)
have interest calculated over the life of the loan.
Final Take Away
If possible, avoid loans
for which the interest rate is calculated frequently
on the outstanding balance.
Make sure your minimum payments at least cover your interest
Make sure your minimum payments covers some of your principal each time
If not the make additional payment to cover
paying down your principal.
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Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
You Can Do It! Let’s Do This!!
As a general principle, debt is bad unless
It’s an investment debt, examples of which are,
in an area and, in an amount that makes economic sense education loans
a loan to purchase a house or real estate,
for which at least you have a real asset to sell off later,
it can be viewed as a form of saving at the least;
you may be able to build equity over time, and thereby
to increase your net assets position; or
an asset that will produce returns
greater than the cost of servicing the debt,
i.e. your earnings on the asset is greater than interest paid on it;
for example, a business or some form of an investment instrument
that produces an additional and an ongoing stream of income.
Long Term Loans,
credit cards, education loans, business loans, mortgage loans etc.
even for ‘good investment loans’ (debt) have one trap:
the ‘Minimum Monthly Payments’ trap.
‘Minimum Monthly Payment,’
is the amount you are required to pay on your outstanding balance
at regular periods (usually monthly, but also quarterly, yearly, etc.)
over the life of the loan;
meant to at least cover the interest on the loan.
But it may not cover your total monthly interest,
which means the amount you owe could be increasing
even while you are making regular payments!
When you take out a loan, your loan balance
which is your total debt on the loan,
continues to earn interest,
by the day, month, etc. depending on the loan details; it may also
increase when you fail to make a payment
because you get charged a penalty for late or non-payment,
which is then added to your loan balance!
If your minimum payments do not cover the interest,
in each period,
the unpaid interest is usually added to your outstanding balance
(this is called ‘capitalization’ of the interest)
that is, it’s like you took a larger loan in the first place;
future interest payments may be calculated on
the unpaid interest plus the original balance (‘principal’);
which is now the new and higher ‘principal’,
therefore your debt is growing, even as you are making
regular payments towards it!
, say you hold a balance of $25,000 on a credit card/loan
at 15% annual interest rate computed on each month’s balance, you must pay
$3750 per year in interest (25,000 x 0.15) or
$308 – $312 per month (3750 /365 * 30 days; or $3750 /12 months) or
$500 per month if the minimum payment required is 2%
If you miss one minimum payment,
the $500 may be added to your balance of $25,000
at the end of the period
to become $25,500.
Your annual interest at 15% is now
$3825 per year (25,500 * 0.15) or
$314 – $318 per month (3825 /365 * 30 days; or $3825/12 months) or
$510 per month if the minimum payment required is 2%
Additional fees (penalties) may also be added to your loan balance.
If on the other hand
you are in financial difficulty and ask for reduced payment
that is less than your interest payments,
say you want to make a $100 payment,
instead of the minimum payment of $500
you will be paying less than the interest payment
(of $308 – $312 per month);
your outstanding interest may be capitalized
i.e. added to the initial balance of $25,000:
which is $208 – $212: the difference
between your monthly interest
($308 – $312) and
the $100 you paid
will be added to your balance;
other ‘late penalty’ or ‘non-payment’ fees
may also be added to your balance
other ‘finance’ or ‘financing’ charges
may be added to your balance and
the total loan balance will increase.
Then what looks like a relief (less than the minimum payment)
turns out to be bad for you in the long run
There’s more. Check back tomorrow!
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Some Basic Truths For Meaningful, Happy and Successful Life
There is a God Almighty
He will judge
He is sovereign
(owes no one any explanation, and is
free to do whatever he wills,
He is Holy but he is also
You are Special
One of a kind In a good way, despite or because of
what you did in the past
what someone did to you in the past
your DNA profile
where you were born
You have something to say, to give, to contribute, to do
in this world;
a legacy to leave behind,
a mission to accomplish, and
a dream to fulfill.
Your life has meaning!
You are of infinite value
to God who loves you and died for you
to those who love you
mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, siblings, bff etc.
You add meaning, joy and happiness to their lives.
For those who may not ‘love’ you,
They are not looking at your true value.
They are looking at something other than
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Things can and Do Change
Other opportunities will open
Closed doors may become open
New doors will open up
‘Doors’ can become walls or
ladders may be provided to scale walls!
People can change
Friends can become enemies
Bosses can become subordinates
Doubts can become trust
Opponents can become team-mates
Miracles (impossible ‘coincidences’) can happen New methods, medications, procedures, approaches will be invented
making it easier to get where you want to go in your life!
Reality, Facts, and Truth Rule in the Long Run
There are no ‘alternative facts’ Opinions, feelings, emotions, loyalties change, facts don’t
Evidence based choices are best
Respect True Scientific Discoveries
God is the ultimate scientist
They are foundation to practically all human achievements
The Other Side of Life Will Be Different
All tears will be wiped away;
No more sorrows, sickness, death, or evil,
No more scammers, swindlers, thieves, liars, sociopaths;
Those who (we) think they ‘got away with it’
will not escape the ultimate justice,
If you have invested in it!
I recommend Jesus to you, Personally!
Don’t think there will be need for ‘Faith’
Faith will become sight
It will be like the Garden of Eden all over again!
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YOU CAN DO THIS, LET’S DO THIS!
In order to have a meaningful and successful
Life after Defeat, Step 1 is to separate Who YOU ARE from WHAT HAPPENED (the event). Now the next steps:
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Take Time to Reflect
Avoid far reaching decisions while you are ‘feeling blue.’
Choices under such conditions are likely to be
ill advised, and
Learn from the experience.
Who to trust
What to do
A better way
Keep Things in Perspective
The Time Perspective
There may be other opportunities.
Take the long view.
How will this look one, two, five, or ten years from now?
How will this look from the other side of eternity?
You may have gone through this in the past,
remember how you made it through then?
The ‘Others’ Perspective
In the past your ‘win’ meant others lost!
Your experience may not be the best,
but it is not the worst either.
Others have survived such things
The ‘God’ Perspective
He lives, he sees, he knows, he understands, and
He is in control
He does not make mistakes
All Things Are Possible with him
Do it again!
Success sometimes (often) comes only after several tries
‘Third time is the charm’ Believe!
Adjust Your Line of Attack (approach)
More and better preparation
‘signs’ along the way and make adjustments
You may not be a fighter pilot but
you will be able to design the planes they fly in
You may not qualify or be approved to be a doctor
but you will be an excellent nurse practitioner or
a medical technician, or a surgical nurse, etc.
You may not qualify to become an engineer
but you will be an excellent and successful mechanic!
You get the idea!
You can Do this – Let’s Do this!
How do we recover from ‘defeat?’
The pregnancy test came back negative.
The lab tests came out positive:
You failed the comprehensive final exam
Can’t advance to the next level.
You are not going to be the professional you always wanted to be
nurse, doctor, engineer, lawyer, certified accountant, analyst…
Not just yet!
Your application for the position was turned down;
someone else got it because
they were better qualified, better suited.
You lost the competition;
It was so close, but someone else was faster, stronger, smarter, had a bit more
Your significant other walked out on you;
you have tried everything
but they still decided to walk away.
Friends and family have given up trying to talk to him/her.
Counseling has not worked.
Prayers (many) seem not to have worked.
Giving selflessly to the relationship has not worked
Your grown children won’t take correction.
They refuse to follow the law, guide their family, manage their finances, their health, and
trouble, like a train from a mile away is heading their way
you can see it, you can hear it coming!
Separate the event,
‘What happened’ from
WHO YOU ARE!
your innate, God-given value
equal to that of every other person on the planet
possessing the same one unit of life
having the same number of hours in a day, days in a month, etc.
defined by qualities you posses
loyal, loving, sincere, trusting, diligent
gifted, patient, kind, selfless, etc.
Someone who is loved
by God (certainly)
by loving family (children, parents, siblings, friends,
by the right kind of person
when they get to know you
if they get to know you
it’s their choice not yours
it’s their loss if they don’t
Someone who can still succeed!!
Next Steps Tomorrow
You can do it! Let’s Do This!
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